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''SCENE: [[Santa Barbara]], [[California]]. 1986, Past. - Young Shawn Spencer is at a diner with his policeman father, Henry Spencer.'' |
''SCENE: [[Santa Barbara]], [[California]]. 1986, Past. - Young Shawn Spencer is at a diner with his policeman father, Henry Spencer.'' |
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− | '''[[Henry Spencer]]:''' You do your homework?<br/> |
+ | '''[[Henry Spencer]]:''' You do your homework?<br /> |
− | '''[[Shawn Spencer]]:''' Uh-huh.<br/> |
+ | '''[[Shawn Spencer]]:''' Uh-huh.<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' Finish those beets?<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' Finish those beets?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Yep. Can I have the fudge cake?<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Yep. Can I have the fudge cake?<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' Close your eyes.<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' Close your eyes.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Dad, I don't wanna...<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Dad, I don't wanna...<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' Now.<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' Now.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Ugh. (Closes his eyes.)<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Ugh. (Closes his eyes.)<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' Which letter is out in the exit sign?<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' Which letter is out in the exit sign?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' The "X".<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' The "X".<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' What color is the vinyl?<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' What color is the vinyl?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' What's vinyl?<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' What's vinyl?<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' It's the stuff these seats are covered in.<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' It's the stuff these seats are covered in.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Purple.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Purple.<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' Maroon, close enough. Manager's name?<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' Maroon, close enough. Manager's name?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Who?<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Who?<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' She's wearing a name tag. The woman standing at the front door when we first walked in.<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' She's wearing a name tag. The woman standing at the front door when we first walked in.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' (Recalls the moment they entered the diner.)<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Recalls the moment they entered the diner.)<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' You saw her.<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' You saw her.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' (Remembers seeing the woman's name tag.) Marie. Can I have the cake now?<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Remembers seeing the woman's name tag.) Marie. Can I have the cake now?<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' How many hats?<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' How many hats?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Ugh, come on, Dad!<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Ugh, come on, Dad!<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' Shawn, you want a piece of cake? How many hats are in the room?<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' Shawn, you want a piece of cake? How many hats are in the room?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' (Tries to remember all the customers who are wearing hats with eyes still shut.) Does a beanie count?<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Tries to remember all the customers who are wearing hats with eyes still shut.) Does a beanie count?<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' What do you think?<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' What do you think?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Three.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Three.<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' You didn't describe them.<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' You didn't describe them.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' That's not fair.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' That's not fair.<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' Time's almost up, Shawn.<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' Time's almost up, Shawn.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' One has a flower, the one the lady's wearing. One has a picture of some kind of lion, on the weird guy with the crooked tooth. The last one is on the chef.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' One has a flower, the one the lady's wearing. One has a picture of some kind of lion, on the weird guy with the crooked tooth. The last one is on the chef.<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' What about the beanie?<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' What about the beanie?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' A beanie's a cap, not a hat.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' A beanie's a cap, not a hat.<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' All right, open your eyes.<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' All right, open your eyes.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Thank you!<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Thank you!<br /> |
− | '''Marie:''' Wow, that's amazing.<br/> |
+ | '''Marie:''' Wow, that's amazing.<br /> |
− | '''Henry:''' It's adequate. Get him his cake.<br/> |
+ | '''Henry:''' It's adequate. Get him his cake.<br /> |
− | '''Marie:''' I guess I know what you're gonna be when you grow up.<br/> |
+ | '''Marie:''' I guess I know what you're gonna be when you grow up.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Oh, I'm never gonna grow up, ma'am.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Oh, I'm never gonna grow up, ma'am.<br /> |
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− | '''Girl:''' Nice place.<br/> |
+ | '''Girl:''' Nice place.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Thank you. (Accidentally turns on the TV.)<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Thank you. (Accidentally turns on the TV.)<br /> |
− | '''Reporter:''' ...precipitation later on in the week, but all in all, a wonderful day to take a hike. Now, back to you, Dana.<br/> |
+ | '''Reporter:''' ...precipitation later on in the week, but all in all, a wonderful day to take a hike. Now, back to you, Dana.<br /> |
− | '''Girl:''' I knew you were gonna be my best table.<br/> |
+ | '''Girl:''' I knew you were gonna be my best table.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' (Shawn moans. Girl sits on top of him and the two resume kissing.)<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Shawn moans. Girl sits on top of him and the two resume kissing.)<br /> |
− | '''Dana:''' ...voicing her concerns regarding the department's long-time policies. Joe, do the police have any leads at this time?<br/> |
+ | '''Dana:''' ...voicing her concerns regarding the department's long-time policies. Joe, do the police have any leads at this time?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' (Sneaks a peek at the TV.)<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Sneaks a peek at the TV.)<br /> |
− | '''Joe:''' We're at a loss, we really don’t know what else to do. It's been a tough few weeks, we've basically run out of ideas. Hopefully, th-the police will be able to crack this one for us.<br/> |
+ | '''Joe:''' We're at a loss, we really don’t know what else to do. It's been a tough few weeks, we've basically run out of ideas. Hopefully, th-the police will be able to crack this one for us.<br /> |
− | '''Dana:''' Closing the books on Divisions' break-ins could be just the olive branch needed to set things in the right direction.<br/> |
+ | '''Dana:''' Closing the books on Divisions' break-ins could be just the olive branch needed to set things in the right direction.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' (Reaches for the phone.)<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Reaches for the phone.)<br /> |
− | '''Girl:''' What are you doing?<br/> |
+ | '''Girl:''' What are you doing?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' I'm calling the police.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' I'm calling the police.<br /> |
− | '''Girl:''' Any particular reason?<br/> |
+ | '''Girl:''' Any particular reason?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' I think I just closed a case.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' I think I just closed a case.<br /> |
− | '''Girl:''' You didn't tell me you’re a cop.<br/> |
+ | '''Girl:''' You didn't tell me you’re a cop.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Oh, no, no, no. Definitely not a cop.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Oh, no, no, no. Definitely not a cop.<br /> |
− | '''Girl:''' Mmmm.<br/> |
+ | '''Girl:''' Mmmm.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Does that disappoint you?<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Does that disappoint you?<br /> |
− | '''Girl:''' I just thought you might have handcuffs.<br/> |
+ | '''Girl:''' I just thought you might have handcuffs.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Oh, I have handcuffs. [to the phone] Hello?<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Oh, I have handcuffs. [to the phone] Hello?<br /> |
− | '''Woman on Phone:''' Santa Barbara Police Department.<br/> |
+ | '''Woman on Phone:''' Santa Barbara Police Department.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Ah, it's the store manager, he did it.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Ah, it's the store manager, he did it.<br /> |
− | '''Woman on Phone:''' Pardon me?<br/> |
+ | '''Woman on Phone:''' Pardon me?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Uh, the stereo robberies, at Divisions chain store. He's on Channel 8 News right now. His hands, nervous tick, dead giveaway. And he won't look at the reporter in the eyes.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Uh, the stereo robberies, at Divisions chain store. He's on Channel 8 News right now. His hands, nervous tick, dead giveaway. And he won't look at the reporter in the eyes.<br /> |
− | '''Woman on Phone:''' And your name is?<br/> |
+ | '''Woman on Phone:''' And your name is?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' My name? My name is Shawn Spencer.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' My name? My name is Shawn Spencer.<br /> |
− | '''Woman on Phone:''' And is there anything else today?<br/> |
+ | '''Woman on Phone:''' And is there anything else today?<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' No, that's gonna do it.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' No, that's gonna do it.<br /> |
− | '''Dana:''' ...retailers are waiting and hoping...<br/> |
+ | '''Dana:''' ...retailers are waiting and hoping...<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Actually, the tags on the news van have expired, but that's completely unrelated.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Actually, the tags on the news van have expired, but that's completely unrelated.<br /> |
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− | '''Shawn:''' Hello, Officer.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Hello, Officer.<br /> |
− | '''[[Martha Allen|Desk Sgt. Allen]]:''' [to the phone] Okay, but you gotta go. It was awesome. Well, yeah.<br/> |
+ | '''[[Martha Allen|Desk Sgt. Allen]]:''' [to the phone] Okay, but you gotta go. It was awesome. Well, yeah.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' (Sees the various lucky charms on the officer's station.)<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Sees the various lucky charms on the officer's station.)<br /> |
− | '''Allen:''' [to the phone] Yeah.<br/> |
+ | '''Allen:''' [to the phone] Yeah.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Hi.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Hi.<br /> |
− | '''Allen:''' [to the phone] It was amazing.<br/> |
+ | '''Allen:''' [to the phone] It was amazing.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' I'm Shawn Spencer.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' I'm Shawn Spencer.<br /> |
− | '''Allen:''' (Points to a bench) [to the phone] And the other thing is... Well, no, I'm not gonna pay for it.<br/> |
+ | '''Allen:''' (Points to a bench) [to the phone] And the other thing is... Well, no, I'm not gonna pay for it.<br /> |
− | '''Shawn:''' Oh, no, no, no, that's not for me. Uh, I'm here for a commendation I called in a tip.<br/> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Oh, no, no, no, that's not for me. Uh, I'm here for a commendation I called in a tip.<br /> |
+ | '''Allen:''' (Points to the bench.) [to the phone] Uh-huh. Oh, no, Michelle, I can't pay for that.<br /> |
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− | <br/> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Here's the thing. These are new pants.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Allen:''' (Annoyed, points to the bench yet again.)<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Clearly, you feel very strongly about this. Right. (Sits on the bench where another man sits.)<br /> |
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− | '''Shawn:''' Clearly, you feel very strongly about this. Right. (Sits on the bench where another man sits.)<br/> |
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+ | '''Man:''' (Lunges at Shawn, but he is chained to the bench.)<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' I cannot believe you didn't test that out first. (A door opens and Shawn sees one of the officers dancing.)<br /> |
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− | '''Shawn:''' I cannot believe you didn't test that out first. (A door opens and Shawn sees one of the officers dancing.)<br/> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' That'll teach her.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Man:''' They got no witnesses.<br /> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Sweet. You might wanna brush the shards of taillight off your sleeve.<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Man:''' (Looks at his sleeve.)<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Just a tip.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Man:''' Gee, thanks, guy.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Sure.<br /> |
+ | '''Man:''' (Brushes off the shards of glass, but they just fall inside his boots.)<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Officer McNab:''' (Escorts Shawn to a room.) Right this way, Mr. Spencer.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' So, when do I get my money? (A woman detective opens the door.<br /> |
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− | '''Shawn:''' So, when do I get my money? (A woman detective opens the door.<br/> |
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+ | '''Lassiter:''' Oh, I don't know. Like, where were you the night of the last robbery?<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' I was robbing a stereo shop. (Laughs) I wasn't. I don't know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing. Not solving crime.<br /> |
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− | '''Shawn:''' I was robbing a stereo shop. (Laughs) I wasn't. I don't know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing. Not solving crime.<br/> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' My case? Wait, wait, wait. I'm actually a suspect?<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lassiter:''' Oh, you're our lead suspect.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' I gave you the guy.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lassiter:''' He had a partner.<br /> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' I have to find that guy? I'm confused. When do you start chipping in?<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Lassiter:''' See, your information was good. So good, it could only have come from the inside.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Inside of what? Look, I've called in dozens of tips, okay? Just check it out.<br /> |
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− | '''Shawn:''' Inside of what? Look, I've called in dozens of tips, okay? Just check it out.<br/> |
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+ | '''Shawn:''' I borrowed a car.<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Lassiter:''' You stole a car.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' To impress a girl.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lucinda:''' Look, forgive us, Mr. Spencer, if this seems far-fetched.<br /> |
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− | '''Lucinda:''' Look, forgive us, Mr. Spencer, if this seems far-fetched.<br/> |
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+ | '''Lassiter:''' Did you learn it?<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' I learned I hated my father, so, sure.<br /> |
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+ | '''Lassiter:''' So, you're telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews.<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Can't you?<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lassiter:''' Don't you try and trivialize police work.<br /> |
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+ | '''Lassiter:''' Good. Then you know you have the right to remain silent.<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Shawn opens the door, but Officer McNab blocks his way.)<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lassiter:''' You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you.<br /> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Chuckles, then pauses.) Wait a minute, you're serious?<br /> |
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− | '''Lassiter:''' You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you.<br/> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Lassiter:''' A few hours in a holding cell might jog your memory.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Takes a quick look at the holding cell where other prisoners are detained, gulps.)<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lucinda:''' Just give us a reason, Mr. Spencer. That's all we need. How did you get this information?<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lassiter:''' No, it is too late for that. Officer Allen, book him.<br /> |
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− | '''Lassiter:''' No, it is too late for that. Officer Allen, book him.<br/> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' Oh, come on, cuffs? What? For the walk back to the lobby?<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lucinda:''' Or, you could give us a plausible explanation.<br /> |
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− | '''Lucinda:''' Or, you could give us a plausible explanation.<br/> |
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+ | '''Allen:''' (Drops the cuffs.)<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Lassiter:''' Get him out of here.<br /> |
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+ | '''Allen:''' You spoke to her?<br /> |
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+ | '''Allen:''' The palm readers?<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' The palm readers. (Puts his hand on the woman's cheek.)<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lucinda:''' Okay, just to be clear, you’re claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.<br /> |
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− | '''Lucinda:''' Okay, just to be clear, you’re claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.<br/> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Shawn:''' I'm getting dance lessons for a wedding reception. And you are getting good.<br /> |
+ | '''McNab:''' Wow, that's amazing.<br /> |
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− | '''Shawn:''' I'm getting dance lessons for a wedding reception. And you are getting good.<br/> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Lucinda:''' A lucky guess?<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lassiter:''' He planted it. I don’t know.<br /> |
− | ''' |
+ | '''Lucinda:''' His alibi checks.<br /> |
+ | '''Shawn:''' (Still talking with Allen) Question. Do I pay taxes on reward money?<br /> |
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− | ''' |
+ | '''Allen:''' I'll find out. Please, feel free to call anytime.<br /> |
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− | '''Allen:''' I'll find out. Please, feel free to call anytime.<br/> |
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+ | |||
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+ | '''Shawn:''' Doctor?<br/> |
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+ | '''Police Officer:''' Yeah.<br/> |
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+ | (A pregnant woman steps out of the police precinct and calls for Shawn.)<br/> |
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+ | '''Pregnant Woman:''' Not so fast Mr. Spencer. Karen Vick, Interim Police Chief.<br/> |
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+ | '''[[Karen Vick|Chief]]:''' Heard about what you did in there.<br/> |
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+ | '''Shawn:''' Oh, you're welcome.<br/> |
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+ | '''Chief:''' That wasn't the phrase I was going to use. I was going to say, improbable. Possible, yet, unlikely.<br/> |
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+ | '''Shawn:''' Look, it's hard to explain. I'm gifted. I was born that way.<br/> |
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+ | '''Chief:''' I knew your father, he was a good cop. You're nothing like him.<br/> |
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+ | '''Chief:''' Don't ever call me "ma'am".<br/> |
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+ | '''Shawn:''' Am I still free to go?<br/> |
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+ | '''Chief:''' Not exactly. You familiar with the McCallum family?<br/> |
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+ | '''Shawn:''' McCallum? Yeah, they own half the hill.<br/> |
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+ | '''Chief:''' Well, there's been a kidnapping.<br/> |
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+ | '''Shawn:''' Oh, come on. I had nothing to do with that.<br/> |
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+ | '''Chief:''' Would you like to? The feds are itching to jump in on this case, and I need to make some progress. What I need is a miracle, or a facsimile of one.<br/> |
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+ | '''Shawn:''' Oh. I see, I see. Well, I make $1,200 a day.<br/> |
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+ | '''Shawn:''' That's what I meant to say. This is pro bono, something for you.<br/> |
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+ | '''Chief:''' And if this psychic thing is a scam, we will prosecute. You know hindering a police investigation is a criminal offense?<br/> |
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+ | '''Shawn:''' Sounds good! We're on the same team now! Kidnappers beware! (Chuckles)<br/> |
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[[Category:Transcripts]] |
[[Category:Transcripts]] |
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[[Category:Season One Transcripts]] |
[[Category:Season One Transcripts]] |
Revision as of 02:13, 29 May 2014
Pilot/Transcript | |
This page is the transcript for the episode "Pilot". Feel free to correct any errors. |
SCENE: Santa Barbara, California. 1986, Past. - Young Shawn Spencer is at a diner with his policeman father, Henry Spencer.
Henry Spencer: You do your homework?
Shawn Spencer: Uh-huh.
Henry: Finish those beets?
Shawn: Yep. Can I have the fudge cake?
Henry: Close your eyes.
Shawn: Dad, I don't wanna...
Henry: Now.
Shawn: Ugh. (Closes his eyes.)
Henry: Which letter is out in the exit sign?
Shawn: The "X".
Henry: What color is the vinyl?
Shawn: What's vinyl?
Henry: It's the stuff these seats are covered in.
Shawn: Purple.
Henry: Maroon, close enough. Manager's name?
Shawn: Who?
Henry: She's wearing a name tag. The woman standing at the front door when we first walked in.
Shawn: (Recalls the moment they entered the diner.)
Henry: You saw her.
Shawn: (Remembers seeing the woman's name tag.) Marie. Can I have the cake now?
Henry: How many hats?
Shawn: Ugh, come on, Dad!
Henry: Shawn, you want a piece of cake? How many hats are in the room?
Shawn: (Tries to remember all the customers who are wearing hats with eyes still shut.) Does a beanie count?
Henry: What do you think?
Shawn: Three.
Henry: You didn't describe them.
Shawn: That's not fair.
Henry: Time's almost up, Shawn.
Shawn: One has a flower, the one the lady's wearing. One has a picture of some kind of lion, on the weird guy with the crooked tooth. The last one is on the chef.
Henry: What about the beanie?
Shawn: A beanie's a cap, not a hat.
Henry: All right, open your eyes.
Shawn: Thank you!
Marie: Wow, that's amazing.
Henry: It's adequate. Get him his cake.
Marie: I guess I know what you're gonna be when you grow up.
Shawn: Oh, I'm never gonna grow up, ma'am.
SCENE: Santa Barbara. 2006, Present. Shawn is at his apartment kissing his date.
Girl: Nice place.
Shawn: Thank you. (Accidentally turns on the TV.)
Reporter: ...precipitation later on in the week, but all in all, a wonderful day to take a hike. Now, back to you, Dana.
Girl: I knew you were gonna be my best table.
Shawn: (Shawn moans. Girl sits on top of him and the two resume kissing.)
Dana: ...voicing her concerns regarding the department's long-time policies. Joe, do the police have any leads at this time?
Shawn: (Sneaks a peek at the TV.)
Joe: We're at a loss, we really don’t know what else to do. It's been a tough few weeks, we've basically run out of ideas. Hopefully, th-the police will be able to crack this one for us.
Dana: Closing the books on Divisions' break-ins could be just the olive branch needed to set things in the right direction.
Shawn: (Reaches for the phone.)
Girl: What are you doing?
Shawn: I'm calling the police.
Girl: Any particular reason?
Shawn: I think I just closed a case.
Girl: You didn't tell me you’re a cop.
Shawn: Oh, no, no, no. Definitely not a cop.
Girl: Mmmm.
Shawn: Does that disappoint you?
Girl: I just thought you might have handcuffs.
Shawn: Oh, I have handcuffs. [to the phone] Hello?
Woman on Phone: Santa Barbara Police Department.
Shawn: Ah, it's the store manager, he did it.
Woman on Phone: Pardon me?
Shawn: Uh, the stereo robberies, at Divisions chain store. He's on Channel 8 News right now. His hands, nervous tick, dead giveaway. And he won't look at the reporter in the eyes.
Woman on Phone: And your name is?
Shawn: My name? My name is Shawn Spencer.
Woman on Phone: And is there anything else today?
Shawn: No, that's gonna do it.
Dana: ...retailers are waiting and hoping...
Shawn: Actually, the tags on the news van have expired, but that's completely unrelated.
SCENE: Santa Barbara Police Department, Santa Barbara. Present. Shawn Spencer goes over to the desk sergeant who is on the phone.
Shawn: Hello, Officer.
Desk Sgt. Allen: [to the phone] Okay, but you gotta go. It was awesome. Well, yeah.
Shawn: (Sees the various lucky charms on the officer's station.)
Allen: [to the phone] Yeah.
Shawn: Hi.
Allen: [to the phone] It was amazing.
Shawn: I'm Shawn Spencer.
Allen: (Points to a bench) [to the phone] And the other thing is... Well, no, I'm not gonna pay for it.
Shawn: Oh, no, no, no, that's not for me. Uh, I'm here for a commendation I called in a tip.
Allen: (Points to the bench.) [to the phone] Uh-huh. Oh, no, Michelle, I can't pay for that.
Shawn: Here's the thing. These are new pants.
Allen: (Annoyed, points to the bench yet again.)
Shawn: Clearly, you feel very strongly about this. Right. (Sits on the bench where another man sits.)
Allen: [to the phone] Eighty dollars is a lot for a reading. But she was astounding. I mean, she knew about Granny's childhood, and the curious she left Bobby. I mean, I could literally feel her spirit in the room.
Shawn: (Looks at the man sitting beside him, who has "Bloodthirsty" tattooed on his forehead and a teardrop on his cheek.) Get out of here. You know I have the same tattoo. They spelled 'bloodthirsty' wrong on mine, can you believe it?
Man: (Lunges at Shawn, but he is chained to the bench.)
Shawn: I cannot believe you didn't test that out first. (A door opens and Shawn sees one of the officers dancing.)
Officer McNab: [to himself] One, two three. One, two, three. One, two, three.
Shawn: (Turns his attention back to the man beside him and sees shards of glass on the roll of his sleeves.) What'd you do? Bust up your ex-wife's car?
Man: Her new boyfriend's.
Shawn: That'll teach her.
Man: They got no witnesses.
Shawn: Sweet. You might wanna brush the shards of taillight off your sleeve.
Man: (Looks at his sleeve.)
Shawn: Just a tip.
Man: Gee, thanks, guy.
Shawn: Sure.
Man: (Brushes off the shards of glass, but they just fall inside his boots.)
Officer McNab: (Escorts Shawn to a room.) Right this way, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: So, when do I get my money? (A woman detective opens the door.
Detective Lucinda Barry: Money?
Shawn: Yeah, the reward? (Enters the interrogation room.) You guys arrested the store manager, am I right?
Detective Carlton Lassiter: Why don't you let us ask the questions for a while?
Shawn: Okay. (Takes a seat, and observes from the reflection on the one-way mirror that Lassiter is playing with the hair of his partner, Lucinda.) So, which questions might those be?
Lassiter: Oh, I don't know. Like, where were you the night of the last robbery?
Shawn: I was robbing a stereo shop. (Laughs) I wasn't. I don't know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing. Not solving crime.
Lassiter: You're not helping your case here.
Shawn: My case? Wait, wait, wait. I'm actually a suspect?
Lassiter: Oh, you're our lead suspect.
Shawn: I gave you the guy.
Lassiter: He had a partner.
Shawn: I have to find that guy? I'm confused. When do you start chipping in?
Lassiter: See, your information was good. So good, it could only have come from the inside.
Shawn: Inside of what? Look, I've called in dozens of tips, okay? Just check it out.
Lassiter: I did. I checked out a whole lot of stuff. Like... (Looks at the contents of a file folder.) Oh, you're currently unemployed. You've never held a job for more than six months, and you have a criminal record.
Shawn: I was 18.
Lassiter: Oh, 18? Well, that makes it okay, let me just scratch this out!
Shawn: I borrowed a car.
Lassiter: You stole a car.
Shawn: To impress a girl.
Lucinda: Look, forgive us, Mr. Spencer, if this seems far-fetched.
Shawn: Would it help at all if I told you that she had a bit of a reputation and I was 0 for high school? Okay, fine. There were extenuating circumstances. The arresting officer was my father, he was trying to teach me a lesson.
Lassiter: Did you learn it?
Shawn: I learned I hated my father, so, sure.
Lassiter: Well, pardon me if I'm just a little skeptical. Believable, as it is, that you solved all these crimes…I'm sorry, what was it? (Looks at the file.) Watching the local Channel 8 News reports.
Shawn: I confess. That's not true. Sometimes I watch Channel 5. I prefer Channel 8. The weather girl? Adorable.
Lassiter: So, you're telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews.
Shawn: Can't you?
Lassiter: Don't you try and trivialize police work.
Shawn: I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself. You can't keep me here, guys. I know my rights.
(Stands up and makes his way to the door.)
Lassiter: Good. Then you know you have the right to remain silent.
Shawn: (Shawn opens the door, but Officer McNab blocks his way.)
Lassiter: You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you.
Shawn: (Chuckles, then pauses.) Wait a minute, you're serious?
Lassiter: A few hours in a holding cell might jog your memory.
Shawn: (Takes a quick look at the holding cell where other prisoners are detained, gulps.)
Lucinda: Just give us a reason, Mr. Spencer. That's all we need. How did you get this information?
Lassiter: No, it is too late for that. Officer Allen, book him.
Allen: (Arrives and cuffs Shawn.)
Shawn: Oh, come on, cuffs? What? For the walk back to the lobby?
Lucinda: Or, you could give us a plausible explanation.
Shawn: (Looks at Desk Sgt. Allen, sees her crystal necklace and other charms.) Okay, okay. Fine, you win. I got the information, because...I’m a psychic.
Allen: (Drops the cuffs.)
Lassiter: Get him out of here.
Shawn: Oh, boy. (Pretends to lose his balance then looks at Desk Sgt. Allen.) Your grandma would be so proud.
Allen: You spoke to her?
Shawn: I did. She's safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans.
Allen: The palm readers?
Shawn: The palm readers. (Puts his hand on the woman's cheek.)
Lucinda: Okay, just to be clear, you’re claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: (Exclaims, looking at Lucinda and Lassiter) How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One... (Turns to Officer McNab.) When's the wedding?
McNab: May 3rd. Wait, how'd you know?
Shawn: I'm getting dance lessons for a wedding reception. And you are getting good.
McNab: Wow, that's amazing.
Lassiter: Oh, come on. Who's buying this? (McNab and one of the prisoners raise their hand.)
Shawn: I got it. Go to detention room number two, shake down your vandal. You’ll find all the evidence you need. (His left foot starts shaking.) All the evidence is in his left shoe. (Lucinda rolls her eyes.)
Lassiter: We'll be back here in three minutes. (Makes his way out, looks at Allen.) With my own cuffs.
Shawn: (Sighs) Whoa! (In the lobby, talking to Desk Sgt. Allen. Another officer leads the tattooed man to his cell.) I'm getting...I am getting the letter "L".
Allen: Lulu! Her dog! Is there anything else she said?
Shawn: Uh, there's suddenly a very, very negative presence here. It's blocking me. (Lassiter and Lucinda are watching him from afar.)
Lassiter: That was a lucky guess.
Lucinda: A lucky guess?
Lassiter: He planted it. I don’t know.
Lucinda: His alibi checks.
Shawn: (Still talking with Allen) Question. Do I pay taxes on reward money?
Allen: I'll find out. Please, feel free to call anytime.
Shawn: You know I will. Magic touch! (Shawn and Allen touch their forefingers together and giggle. Shawn leaves. Lassiter approaches Allen glares at her. Shawn steps out of the police precinct.)
Shawn: Doctor?
Police Officer: Yeah.
(A pregnant woman steps out of the police precinct and calls for Shawn.)
Pregnant Woman: Not so fast Mr. Spencer. Karen Vick, Interim Police Chief.
Shawn: I know.
Chief: Heard about what you did in there.
Shawn: Oh, you're welcome.
Chief: That wasn't the phrase I was going to use. I was going to say, improbable. Possible, yet, unlikely.
Shawn: Look, it's hard to explain. I'm gifted. I was born that way.
Chief: I knew your father, he was a good cop. You're nothing like him.
Shawn: I take that as a compliment, ma'am.
Chief: Don't ever call me "ma'am".
Shawn: Am I still free to go?
Chief: Not exactly. You familiar with the McCallum family?
Shawn: McCallum? Yeah, they own half the hill.
Chief: Well, there's been a kidnapping.
Shawn: Oh, come on. I had nothing to do with that.
Chief: Would you like to? The feds are itching to jump in on this case, and I need to make some progress. What I need is a miracle, or a facsimile of one.
Shawn: Oh. I see, I see. Well, I make $1,200 a day.
Chief: It's a tryout.
Shawn: That's what I meant to say. This is pro bono, something for you.
Chief: And if this psychic thing is a scam, we will prosecute. You know hindering a police investigation is a criminal offense?
Shawn: Sounds good! We're on the same team now! Kidnappers beware! (Chuckles)